ADHD Overwhelm in Women: Why Everything Feels So Hard (and What’s Actually Happening)
If you are a woman with ADHD, we’ve got to talk about ADHD overwhelm. You’ve probably already experienced it (many times) and may have even used the word, overwhelm. Or maybe you’ve used words and phrases like, shut down, done, exhausted, or totally unmotivated.
Since this concept is key to understanding and managing your ADHD, it deserves its own post–this one!–where we’ll unpack what ADHD overwhelm is, why it happens, and what to do about it.
Everyone knows what overwhelm feels like; we’ve all experienced the sense of having too much going on and having more to handle than you feel capable of managing. There’s just too much at one time. Let’s call this regular overwhelm.
People with ADHD experience regular overwhelm; holidays, big life events, high pressure at work, and unexpected situations come for us all.
However, ADHD people also deal with ADHD overwhelm. This is the overwhelm that is a result of an ADHD brain. So, someone with ADHD experiences regular overwhelm and ADHD overwhelm.
To sort this out, let’s set a working definition of ADHD. Here’s my go at it:
ADHD is a condition that affects how a person’s brain functions. This affects the underlying cognitive processes that allow someone to smoothly manage everyday living. Therefore, someone’s speed, consistency, and ability to function may be affected by ADHD.
So simply put, having ADHD means that your brain does some things differently than neurotypical brains. Since no one sees their brain working, ADHD is an invisible condition or invisible disorder. That means that people don’t know if you have ADHD just by looking at you.
However, your outcome or functioning is very much affected by these brain differences. These differences can trip you up and the resulting actions are what other people notice. Here are some examples of the results of these brain differences:
You struggle to pay your bills on time.
You lose your glasses, keys, and wallet often.
You have a problem remembering things.
You get bored easily.
You move your body constantly.
You overcommit and under-execute.
Your room or house is disorganized or a mess.
These “things” or symptoms happen because your brain is built differently. However, when you get an ADHD diagnosis, you don’t get a manual that explains how your brain works or what you need to do to manage the way your brain works. (Wouldn’t that be awesome?!)
In fact, it may have taken you a long time to even realize you were functioning differently than a neurotypical person because you’ve always functioned/thought/acted this way.
So, now that we know that an ADHD brain processes differently, let’s return to ADHD overwhelm. This overwhelm is a type of cognitive tiredness that is a result of having difficulties with everyday functions. ADHD overwhelm is often a constant state because people use their brains constantly.
The overwhelm is not simply coming from what the environment demands (regular overwhelm); the overwhelm is what the environment demands + the challenges that are inherent in meeting these demands.
For example, let’s say you are planning a birthday lunch for a friend. You will spend cognitive energy managing the tasks–contacting friends, making reservations, buying flowers, deciding on an outfit, etc.–and you will spend extra energy because these tasks require more work, some hacks, extra effort because your brain processes differently.
What ADHD Overwhelm Actually Feels Like
ADHD overwhelm feels exhausting. It can feel unrelenting. It feels like you simply cannot get ahead of all the things you have to do no matter how organized you are, no matter how many hours you’ve worked, no matter how much you want to be a success.
ADHD Overwhelm feels like you simply cannot think about one more thing, as though your brain is overloaded. It feels as if you are constantly scattered and forever behind.
ADHD overwhelm can make you depressed and anxious because you aren’t even sure why you are so tired or why you are working so hard for so little outcome. On the surface, you don’t feel like you are doing more than anyone else yet you are very aware that you are struggling to get it all done and manage life.
Why ADHD Makes Everything Feel Overwhelming
There are many reasons that ADHD makes everything feel overwhelming. ADHD affects so many functions and researchers are constantly undercovering more about ADHD. Here are a few of the brain differences that are big contributors to ADHD overwhelm.
Reason for ADHD Overwhelm–Executive Functioning Issues
The way I like to visualize executive functioning is by imagining a little tiny cartoon administrative assistant in my head. This admin works just for me.
They keep my life organized, they tell me when to leave for meetings, they control my schedule and make sure I’m making progress on important things, they pay my bills, they even show up as a sounding board so I can run through things with them ahead of time to make sure I’m on track.
This admin is in charge of all executive function tasks such as:
Time management
Project Planning
Space and mental organization
Remembering details
Thinking about the future and planning backwards
Preventing a person from making a mistake by forcing them to pause and think
Noticing details
Working memory
Getting started on tasks
Continuing to work on tasks when frustrated
Prioritizing
Controlling big emotions
In other words, all the skills that you need to function in your personal and professional life involve executive functioning skills; oftentimes several EF skills are needed for one task. Unfortunately, executive functioning skills are often weaker in people with ADHD. You may have weaknesses in some of the EF skills or all of them.
Often people with ADHD have to exert more energy or utilize a “hack” in order to successfully complete anything that requires EF. If you have ADHD, there is a good chance that something as simple as paying your bills (organization, getting started on tasks, frustration tolerance, noticing details) is “costing” you more cognitive load and energy than a neurotypical person.
Because EF skills are needed for almost everything, people with ADHD are using up lots of energy all day long in order to get “normal” results. This energy guzzler alone can cause quick and consistent overwhelm.
2. Reason for ADHD Overwhelm–Nervous System Overload
To help you visualize how nervous system overload affects ADHD overwhelm, I’d like you to imagine a one lane road. If you drive over the lines on the right hand side of the road, your car will slide down a cliff. If you drive over the lines of the left hand side of the road, you’ll hit a wall. Therefore, it is important to stay on the road, within the lines.
This road is a regulated nervous system, one that adapts to the environment and is in a state that allows you to live, learn, do, and feel pretty okay.
ADHD people often have more narrow roads meaning that you are more prone to go outside the lines on either side of the road. When this happens, you become dysregulated. This dysregulation can look like hyperarousal, getting sleepy, irritation, freezing, or just being unable to truly be in the moment and take in what is going on around you.
Because people with ADHD “go off the side of the road” more easily, you spend energy dealing with going off the side of the road and getting your car back on the road. In other words, you have to deal with being dysregulated and then spend energy to regulate again.
3. Reason for ADHD Overwhelm–Decision Fatigue
People with ADHD often have problems making decisions. They also make and remake–or visit and revisit– the same decisions. Everyone is exposed to numerous decisions points throughout the day but someone with ADHD often has to exert more energy to make a decision because:
It’s hard to prioritize (executive functioning)
You have to work hard to shift from what you were doing to decision making back to what you were doing (executive functioning)
Organization is tough for people with ADHD so you don’t easily fall into rhythms and routines. This means that you may make more decisions since you don’t have as much structure to your day (executive functioning)
You feel like a failure and keep getting retriggered. You may have experienced past events that are viewed as failures due to an inability to be consistent or to fully complete tasks. This can lead to self-distrust which can make it difficult to put faith in the decisions you make. (shame and self-beliefs)
ADHD Paralysis: When You Can’t Start (Even When You Want To)
One thing that I often see in my practice (and have experienced personally) is that people with ADHD often have a problem getting started on tasks that they WANT or NEED to do. This is one of the hardest things about having ADHD.
There may be an inability to start something that is a one-off event such as:
Paying taxes
Repainting the house
Planning a vacation
Signing up for college classes
Starting a paper
However, many times people with ADHD also have a difficult time starting tasks that are routine, everyday events:
Unloading the dishwasher
Cleaning their room
Taking a shower
Studying
Exercising
Checking their bank account
Organizing their purse or a drawer
There are many reasons that starting tasks, also known as task initiation, is difficult for someone with ADHD.
Important versus ADHD important
There is an entire cognitive process that happens whenever we start tasks. We aren’t aware of it, but there are signals and neurons doing their thing inside our brain.
The process of recognizing a task needs to be done and then starting it doesn’t work for ADHD people like it does for neurotypical people. In order for an ADHD person to start a task, the task cannot just be important. The task must often meet other ADHD-friendly criteria for this process to get off and running.
Difficulty prioritizing or organizing
You look at a task or a project and cannot figure out what step number 1 is. Then you feel overwhelmed and freeze or avoid the task.
General overwhelm
A basic sense of overwhelm may stop you from starting something. If you generally feel overwhelmed (what this whole article is about), then adding one more task to your mental to-do list, even a small one, can feel impossible.
Project overwhelm
A person with ADHD may know what the first step is. However, you may also be aware of all the other steps that come after step 1. Even though you don’t need to actually complete all the steps at one time, you may feel as though all the steps are “sitting on you” simultaneously and feel (even more) overwhelmed.
Alertness
People with ADHD often have difficulty with alertness. This means that you may not feel sharp when you need to feel sharp. This can make doing even simple tasks feel impossible because you feel groggy, sleepy, or just mentally not sharp.
The Hidden Layer: Shame and Self-Criticism
Adult ADHD and late diagnosed ADHD is all over the news today. But even just 5 years ago, this was not the case. Until you realize you have ADHD AND understand how this affects you, it can play major havoc on how you feel about yourself, your relationships, and your future.
If you’ve read this far, you know that ADHD affects how your brain works. We don’t see this on the outside and even people with ADHD are often unaware that their brain processes differently. In fact, most people with ADHD are as confused about why they get the results they do as the people they interact with.
After all, you are trying your hardest to make things happen, build relationships, make a difference, live well, etc. And you probably are!
However, it has been hard.
It's really hard.
Surprisingly hard.
Much harder than it seems to be for others.
And you’ve run into obstacles, often the same obstacles, time and time again.
You’ve experienced failure. You’ve felt dumb. You’ve been inconsistent. You’ve had problems remembering basic things. You’ve forgotten really important stuff. You’ve been inconsistent at work or in your professional life.
And until you become consistently aware about how your brain influences all of the above things, it’s easy to turn the difficulties into a personal story about how you are not good enough. And this story gets triggered time and time again as you go through life and face the same difficulties you’ve faced before. Often with the same less-than-ideal results.
As grim as this sounds, I want to emphasize that it doesn’t have to be this way. Once someone learns how to manage and live well with their ADHD, the old stories don’t have the same power.
Why Traditional Advice Doesn’t Work for ADHD
Many ADHD people have read themselves silly trying to improve, but still face the same blockers and barriers. There are two main reasons for this.
One, change is hard. It's really hard. For everyone. Period.
Two, traditional advice is usually written for a neurotypical brain. But an ADHD brain processes differently. Therefore, a person with ADHD needs strategies that work for an ADHD brain.
How to Get Unstuck (Without Forcing Yourself)
If someone wants to get unstuck, it’s important that they learn to manage their ADHD brain. This is a unique process and it’s ongoing. Here’s how you can start doing this today:
Read about ADHD and how it affects how people function.
Pay attention to how your own daily functioning is affected by ADHD.
Improve your ability to “unpack” what you are experiencing. The more specific you can get, the easier it will be for you to find solutions. Learn to use words such as: working memory, task initiation, rejection sensitivity, capacity, cognitive overload, alertness. Using these words will help you become more precise and clear about the things that are and are not working for you.
Pay attention to what works for you and what feels good versus what doesn’t work and what makes you shut down or feel exhausted. Write it down. Do not depend on your memory.
Consider working with an ADHD professional to help guide you and fast track your awareness of how ADHD functions in your life.
ADHD Therapy for Women in Austin / Central Texas
If you’re reading this and thinking, “this is me, but I still can’t seem to get it together,” that’s exactly where I come in. I work with women with ADHD who feel overwhelmed, stuck, or caught in cycles of burnout and self-criticism.
We don’t just try to “fix” things. We get curious. We look at your capacity, how you pace yourself, how executive functioning shows up for you, and how things like shame, rejection sensitivity, mood shifts, and even your environment are impacting your day-to-day life. There’s usually a lot underneath the overwhelm—and when we start to understand it, things can finally begin to shift.
I work with ADHD women virtually throughout Texas as well as in person in Central Texas (Buda, Kyle, Wimberley, Austin).